Figuring things out

Posted: October 8, 2013 by writingsprint in Slice of Life
Tags: , , , , ,

The morning after the meltdown, my friend Rachel met me at a coffee shop down by the beach. “Are you all right?”

“Yeah. I just… had a problem last night.”

“What kind of problem?”

“I don’t know where to start… God…”

“Is that the problem or are you having a hard time saying it?” I gave her a look that could have withered a brick wall. “All right. Sorry. Take your time.”

The waitress came by and gave us water. I ordered iced tea and Rachel ordered iced coffee. “A week ago I break up with my girlfriend. Last night I meet a new neighbor. Young guy, surfer dude. I thought he was cute.”

“Cute? As in…”


“And that’s when you called me?” I’d left a message on her voice mail.

“Yeah. Sorry if I sounded freaked out. I was.”

“What did you do?”

“I walked for a while. When I got tired of it I went home. I couldn’t think but eventually I fell asleep.”

“Okay.” Rachel chewed her lip. “Have you felt this way before?”

“No. A little, lately. I think. I’ve wondered sometimes if maybe I’m gay.”

“That’s perfectly normal. Who wouldn’t wonder what they are? You have to ask questions.”

That didn’t help. I needed guidance. “I mean, what was it like, for you? You said you had a girlfriend once.”

She shrugged. “Back in college. Twice. It wasn’t really that different from having a boyfriend. Same issues. What movie do you want to go see. Where do you want to go to dinner. That thing you do is annoying. Girls were more interesting, guys had less drama.”

Sigh. I made a face. “Great. I think most guys are assholes—”

“Most guys are assholes.”


“You’re not.”

“Well, is it because I’m gay, because I’m nice, or is it something else?”

“You’re you.” Rachel gently put her fingers on my head and shook it.

“What are you doing?”

“Trying to shake your marbles back into place.”


“Stop putting labels on it.”

“Fine.” I still didn’t feel any better. “Sometimes I think, that guy looks good, but when I try to imagine… y’know… fooling around or something… I think, whoa, whoa, stop. Not like that.”

“I don’t know what to tell you.”

“I wish I could give it a try. But without it getting physical. I don’t know.”

Rachel rubbed my arm. “Sounds more to me like you’re tired of trying to be someone you’re not.”

“What was it like for you?”

“I just gave it a try. My parents were hippies. I had gay uncles growing up. They were in the closet, but I figured it out as I got older. I saw how nice they were. I never had a problem with it.”

“How did it wind up?”

She shrugged. “I’m okay with both. That’s how I am.”

Huh. “When I was little, my mom used to say that I was cute. One day I see a guy on TV, and I said I thought he was, y’know, cute. I must have been six or seven. She got this look on her face, and she said, ‘Boys don’t think other boys are cute.’ It freaked me out. I’ve tried to ask myself, what did I mean when I said it? I don’t know.”

“Childhood sucks. Being an adult isn’t much better.”

  1. cnpr41 says:

    hey i have to say that your post remind me of when i 1st got my my bff.. and everything will get better. at the end of the day you need to be true to urself and if you want to try something even just once go ahead and do it… you cant be happy for other people.. just for yourself.


    • writingsprint says:

      Thanks! I hear what you’re saying. Eventually I didn’t try it. That was what felt right for me. How I felt about myself and other people changed, and that was a really, really good thing.

      Getting there was the hard part. There’s pressure from all directions to be “this” or “that,” even from people who care about you. The best advice that I ever got was to take my time, respect myself, care for myself, and figure it out on my time.


      • cnpr41 says:

        Totally agree whenever you feel like you want to make that leap the people that actually want you to be happy will be there for you. And you need to do things for ur happiness no one else.


  2. writingsprint says:

    😀 yes indeed


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